I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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