There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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