note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
