Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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