my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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