i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
