none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
