Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
