His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
