he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
