Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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