We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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