it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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