You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My breasts were aching with rage.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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