I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
