I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think my moral compass just broke
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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