i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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