Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
