There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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