the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
