Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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