forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize