I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
