Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
