Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
