i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
