I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
