Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got inside last night via doggy door
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
