I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
