Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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