She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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