if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
