All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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