Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
