You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
