The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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