got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
