My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
