Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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