Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
