there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
