She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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