So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
