I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
