Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
