There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
