Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize