i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
