no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
