mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
