By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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