if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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