On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
