WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
