no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
