everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I have fence marks all over my body
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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