I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
