The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize