so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
